Tomorrow is the big day, so I have taken the precaution of preparing a guide to assist with those who may have procrastinated to the last minute. Don't panic, I'm here to help. Simply follow this step-by-step guide to have everything ready for the end. No worries, I'll walk you through it.
First, handle your tangible assets. Since we don't have a lot of information about how the end will come or who may be left behind, it's important not to allow any kind of flagrant misappropriation of funds or material goods by whatever zombies, mutants or country & western singers may remain. The best way to secure your assets is by relocation - move them from their current money accounts, banks or other stash boxes to a previously defined 'secure area'. Since most of you reading this article probably have not created a suitable location, simply send them to my accounts and I will make sure they are safe and sound. By preparing well ahead of the pending disaster, we are equipped to receive up to several million in assets and will assure they are disposed of in a safe, hygienic manner.
Second, release all real estate. Who knows what kind of chaos will erupt in the aftermath of the end of the world? The last thing you want is your good name dragged into the madness, simply because that pesky property has your name on some of the original documents. Again, thanks to some unusually amazing foresight, there is a solution. Grab your deeds, titles, etc. for your property and quickly sign them over to me for safe keeping. You sure don't want to look back from your eternal home and wish you weren't affiliated with whatever reprobate activity could be taking place there after you're gone: A castle for an evil king, a breeding ground for some kind of intergalactic four-headed creatures, or possibly even a used car lot. You just can't take that chance, especially when you can get your name off it easily and quickly now while there's still time.
Third, educate yourself to understand the possibilities. The best preparation is education - find out what may be the likelihood of certain scenarios playing out. How can the world end? What types of natural disasters may in looming on the literal horizon? Where can we learn more? Tough questions, that deserve quality answers. To execute some last-minute end-of-life cramming, grab some reading material and lock yourself in a quiet, private room with few distractions. You need to focus. Get some science fiction, some doomsday magazines, several copies of USA today and a Bible. Put on some blues to set the mood. Start studying. Let your fears build, get stirred, troubled and ultimately panicked. See how bad a person you are for neglecting this for so long, and that now it's too late. Work through those tragedist predictions, coordinating the events with modern day news. Finally, grab that Bible and start in.
Well, actually, at this point you may begin to experience a bit of an intellectual mood swing. Once in the Bible, you will eventually discover that in the Word of God things are explained a bit differently. The doomsday predictions are quickly shot down, replaced with the truth of the second return of Christ - an event filled with glory for all who believe, not tragedy. You'll see that God has prepared for your eternity in a perfect paradise. Sorry, no zombies or aliens. No asteroid collisions. No nuclear holocausts or solar meltdowns. Just good news. Sorry about that, hate to disappoint you but there it is.
So I guess the bad news for everyone is that God is in control and there isn't going to be a tragic end, unless of course you neglect to accept salvation and risk eternity in hell, but that's a whole 'nother topic. For today, it's just the disappointing realization that the world isn't ending tomorrow.
But what? You already completed steps one and two? Oh dear, now we have a mess. Well, I'll sort it all out, and get your property back to you, as soon as I can. But, what's the rush?
It's not like it's the end of the world.
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